WAR GAMES FOR THE SEXUALLY CHALENGED

                                             (6 Yr. Old Terrance Whitherford getting Lap Dance. Photo by Leroy)

So it's good news... this girl and I have been going out a lot.  She's Native American and part L.A. caucasian. I met her after Michael Jackson died at some party. I liked her bangs(phallic-freudian for eventually we were gonna screw). At first, I wasn't sure she was cool because her youthful appeal seemed too of the moment. Kind of like reading VICE nowadays.  But, I got over it and decided to start "steady" with her.  Since, things have been great! We went to watch ugly people at the Mad Decent block party. We witnessed a public "beat-down" between some wasp, his ricki lake looking wife, and his mistress-bitch(she later lost her diaphragm near my foot). Yep, just Splendid...Up until another girl who I used to bone, for lack of a better term, appeared out from devilknowswhere, texting me slutty shit at funerals and sending me photos of her bangin' other dudes!  In an act to avoid feeling like that asshole wasp,  I went to some social-wise staples for advice- They are fashion editor/writer Christina Draper(lucky/InStyle); novelist/musician Chris Leo( Feathers like Leather/ White Pigeons); and Los Angeles' man about town, Chez Whitey.

1) If you were steady with someone-  Native American. And all of a sudden, some former sex-demon comes outta "left field" trying to have sex with you every weekend. What would you do?

CW: You should get yours with said “sex-demon” because when you break up with your steady, you are going to look back and think to yourself “damn, why didn’t I sleep with that sex-demon when I had the chance?”

 

CD: I'd already be too busy "doing" my steady every weekend.

2) Keeping the playing fields balanced in a relationship is crucial. What is your theory on male to female regulation?

CW: Dick rationing is essential. I can’t say I am particularly good at this, but I heard a pimp talk about it, and realized he might be right. 

CD: Huh? Regulating, what are we children?

3) How many women do you regulate a night? How many men?

CD: Is "Regulate" sex code?

CW:Lately, none... Wa-wa-waahhh!!!

4) Women, I'm a fan- I have all their albums!  Would you say the same?

CD: Nah, I'm not into vag' on vag.'

CW: I love women. I need them in my life, I need feminine energy, and for someone to rub my back and head while I fall asleep after some good lovin’. That’s as damn near heaven as I’ve experienced in this crazy world. 

5) Do you believe in Love...with a woman/man?

CD: Of course. I love myself dearly, so I can totally love others.

CW: Hell yes! I’m a sucker for love. But my perception on the possibility of love has changed.I think love is something that you need to work on, and stay committed too. But I also believe women are quick to fall out of love with a man if they don’t believe you can't provide for them. 

6) If you were into a lock-up with a new love- specifically part native american/L.A. caucasian...When, if ever, is it cool to let your broad know he/she belongs to you?

CD: Are there really any Native American's left? And Second, I don't know that you can tell someone they "belong" to you, it's there choice whether they feel like being kept. 

CW:  I don’t understand the native american part. Basically, no one really ever "belongs" to anyone. The moment you start thinking that, is the moment you start slippin. Treat your girl well  or someone else might come along and start appreciating your girl, and scoop her up from right under your nose. I’ve never had that happened, but I’ve been the scooper.

7) Do you find it hard to shake some of your ol' Hoe's off? A hoe can be from either sex and usually untrustworthy.

CW: Yes, I still love everyone I’ve ever been in love with. I would really love to sleep with them all again. I wish I could combine the best parts of all my ex-lovers.

 

CD: Nope- fuck 'em they had their chance. And been there, done that- I don't have the time nor energy to explore what I already know. 

 

8) Don't you find The whole "Bro's before Hoes" thing a tad Gay?  Why not Bro's who love Hoes or Chix who snatch dix! The later ones seem less homo erotic, no?

CW: Naw, it’s not really gay. I guess the main thing is, don’t be a dick to your bro. Respect your bros. But never diss them for some girl. Because in the long run, your guy friends can be really loyal. Guys stick together, it’s rough out there. 

CD: Both of the latter terms seem like a perfect way to get " VD" ... but yes Bro's before Hoes is uber gay! I mean do those dudes spoon? 

Jack Bower: I believe it's possible. I saw Marc Jacobs do it(spoon)!

WAR GAMES- Full of Wonder- from forth coming War Games Ep

GRAND FUN RAILROAD- Some Kind of Wonderful- From 1970 album Caught in the Act.

HISTORICS BEAT FOR TEEN PREGNANCY

One of our friends released an album, Strategies for Apprehenshion.  They're a band called Historics based on both coast LA/NYC and they represent the mature man's rock group.  Kinda like Mitchum vs. Gilette deordorant. Feel me. We thought it was cool enough to post on Kosher Salt. They have a video for one of their songs, TAVERNS, but we honestly don't think it fits, so we're giving you something else to jag'-off instead.  Shout-outs to Valissa who will no longer be pedophile-bait. She is grown woman now(I know...it hurts my loins, too!). So Happy Birthday- You have just increased teen pregnancy allover the US now!

Historics- Things are Alright- Strategies for Apprehension

Historics- Kinda Personal- Strategies for Apprehension

Hall& Oates- You make my dreams come true- From Album H2O (* Valissa)

DAZED AND LOST: NYC FUKWITZ RAGE!!!

(Losers at a basement party. Photo: Richard Petrucci)

There's just no excuse why no one wrote anything for 2 months! I guess we've been on a siesta or some fuck-wit induced coma that has led me, the principle writer, to write about funny and not so funny shit going on in life. And not just any life but the life I see, trust me it's more interesting than yours most days. Or not.  Been hanging out in the country as an escape fron New York.  It's all part of my bailout plan: Lay- low.  In the meantime, I go to  the Giant Supermarket and hit on the cashiers who've never seen a handsome yank' look this good since Will Smith(lame).  Did you know that when you're attractive, people give you things. Ugly people give you THINGS!

July went too quick. I couldn't even enjoy it. I was busy tracking new songs and partying in the ugly capital of the United States(philly). According to M.Werth a Philly 10 is equivalent to a New York 4. So if you're at one of Dave P's parties and some girl wants to fuck you- watch out! She's not that beautiful. 

Even though July went by rather fast alot of good things happened. An ex rang me out of the blue and we scheduled days to screw silly in LA for a few days. I found 50 dollars on the ground by the Dumbo treasure dump, Historics released their album(and it's good!), Jack Bower's bromance-casted birthday was really weird, and I watched 19 year-olds do lines of each other while  some girl was giving their cat coke(he overdosed). Speaking of dying, not in the way Dave Gahan was ranting about in that "I'm a drug-addict and my wife hates me" Depeche Mode video,  Dash Snow died(RIPS)- Fuck man, Michael Jackson Died!!! 

So, kiddies, a lot can happen when we're not around to tell you about S**T...because I'm sure the above mentioned is "News" to you.  Stay tuned this week for our NOTEWORTHY album review on the Historics, War Games,  Pets battling sex addictions- the whole gamut! Plus, tips to a few parties if God ever made you special. 

Kim Hiorthoy- Album- My Last day(clickhere)

LONG GRIMES THE SALTY MONKEY MOUSE PLANS

Every see a sun shower that didn't give you the "moisties"? Or walk Tribeca at night with a bottle of Orme De Pez 00' and wish there was someone to drink it with you?  No?  Good.  Because had you said Yes, I might begin to think you weren't cut out to be a TRUE SALTY BRO but more like the type of LOSERS that wait in line to see Sonic Youth play a free show!

Nevermind the rant, I'm skipping town and this time it's not to go on some shadow tour or some adventure through Lesbos Island.  No. More like a sabbath into a region of nothingness.  Some place similar to David O' Russell's contemplation in his 2003 noteworthy comedy, "I Heart Huckabees."  This place is called N.  In N,  I'll meet some rad people who'll kick shit and cows for a living. And guess what, millies, I'll probably be a shit kicker also!  Then I'll visit the towns drive-thru liquor store for a pint of  Jack Daniels and some BBQ potato chips.  At night, I'll wish that all the sweet-sweet charms of my former city will overtake me into comatose state and painlssly  girate it's wellness all over my body- flesh and blood!  And in a fractions time,  I transform to a single cell.  A germ with eyes, teeth, and taped rimmed eyeglasses beckoning the fruition of the future to appear. Close. Closer.  And as it appears, my life, all new, consumes me and thrust me into the forests and villaged suburbs, through the city-lings of a Green Desert until I reach the city of industry- metallic with lights flickering as winded candles.  Standing hope and trotting faith- all the way back to John Street. Where I'll begin again. Better!

Grizzly Bear- Cheerleader- From 2009 Veckimatest

Bibio- Lover's Cravings- From Forthcoming Warp Records Release Ambivalence Avenue (z-s link)

WARP'd OUT ON MEMORIAL DAZE ACID!

Me: So Memorial Day is here.... S**t I forgot what day it's on!
Blonde Girl intern(Jesse):I think it's the whole weekend
Me: Now, you know there's some heavy trippage when I can't even remember Memorial Day. It is a day about memories n' s**t?! Whatever. The SALTY FOUR guys asked me to jog' your brains with some cool events:

1)WARP RECORDS E-MORIAL DAY PARTY in Williamsburg- The next best thing to Isabelle Hupperts love triangle!
2) Vice Party Tonight (May 20th)...shh! underage hipster girls need not apply. The Pedophile police will be on watch!
3) Moma Party SATURDAY NITE! 8-11pm in Midtown NYC
4) SUP' MAGAZINE PARTY 12am May 23rd 93 N.6th St Wilmsbrg Brooklyn- $8 bucks
New Order- Evil Dust- From white label 1982 12"

OH NO!! THE SALT HAS RUN A MUCK!

Sitting in the bed afterwards, at some point, with this feeling of regret sinking into my chest. I look at her leaving my hotel room without her knowing I'm looking at her. She left me a note. I won't read it, but I'll bet she's in love with me now- Damn!

The official sound selection to make sexual mistakes to while in Europe 1) Bronski Beat "Smalltown Boy" from The Age of Consent
2)Interpol "Not Even Jail" from Interpolantics 3) Xymox's classic 1985 song "No Words" of Subsequent Pleasures(alt. Link)

ITCHY HANDS AND SWINE FLU KILLS MY ASS

Lately,  I've been traveling down a good road leading to all kinds of possiblities.  I even started working at a grocer market for yuppies just so I can learn a thing or two about humble starts....No, I'm not kidding.  I'm a grocer-bagger guy who can tell you how to spend $1000 bucks and feel like  shit in a plastic bag all at once!  I return this week bearing great sentiment of new music, new birds, new homes, and new checks.  Last Friday I was kicking it in village with SKEW.  He's a musician that I'm certain most people who read this blog know nothing about,  but if you know a thing or two about him, then you know how "ill" the night went.  It's funny how musicians have become a dime a dozen and great musicians have been burried alive...and even though I don't fully believe in that later statement, it does hold it's validity.  The modern recording artist, for the most part, are jokes! Just some kid with some software and some fuggin Justice/ Kanye West  albums.  Not saying those guys aren't good at what they do, but seriously, that's not viable music in my opinion... No!  it's the next level of PVD 12" and Oakenfold singles.  uggh!

See you Azzholes in a few weeks..My pretentious rant has now ended with some SALT FOR YA' EARS!

THOM YORKE ERASER(SKEW REMIX) FROM 2008 ALBUM  ERASER